Peaches is a Tart

On a scale from one to ten, I like Peaches about fifteen. Which is to say, like a lot. She smart, sassy and you can dance to her. Also, any guy who can’t take you playing Two Guys For Every Girl to him is just not worth getting into. So as a token of my great love for her, I have now designed a special Peaches Tart.

You need:

1 can of peaches (in syrup)

1 packet of cake mix

1 bar of white chocolate

1/2 stick of butter

1 plastic bag

Impeach My Bush

1 pie form

…and an oven.

And here’s how to:

1. Chop the white chocolate into tiny pieces.

2. Put the peaches on the bottom of the pie form. Muy importante! Do not pour out the goddamn syrup! You’ll need it!

3. Pour the cakemix into the plastic bag

4. Add the white chocolate

5. Turn on Fuck or Kill. Shake the bag to the song. The 49 seconds it takes is perfect to achieve the right
mix.

6. Now spread the cake mix/chocolate evenly over the peaches.

7. Pour about 1/2 cup of the syrup ALSO EVENLY over the cake mix.

8. Let’s microwave! Slang Chickens is optional, but you need to microwave the butter long enough for it to melt either way.

9. Pour the butter over the cake. Evenly.

10. Put it in a pre-heated oven (why do recipes say that? Do you EVER do it any other way unless the oven is a microwave ditto?) @ 350 °F for 40 minutes. It’s about as it long as it takes to listen to all of Fatherfucker in case you don’t have a timer.

And you’re all ready for a slice of Peach!

/clementine

Wire on Fire

The first time I heard the name “Wires on Fire”, I thought: “That sounds like a drink.” You know, I could see someone – Lauren Bacall, Dean Martin, Elton John – sidling up to the bar and going: “A Wire on Fire. And don’t be stingy with the whiskey, baby.” It took some time before that thought turned into action (it usually does when I’m involved), but then late one night it was finally born.

You’ll need:

an orange

lots of ice

a glass

jameson

cointreau

red bull

matches

And you make it like this:

1. Cut the side off the orange and carve out the pulp using a sharp knife. Keep scraping until it’s all gone and you have yourself a little bowl of orange peel measuring about 1 – 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Dry it using some tissue, your shirt or whatever else you have available. This is important. The orange peel bowl must be completely dry (I first wrote orange pee bowl, but I edited that. I don’t care what your pee bowl is like. I prefer not to think about your pee bowl. Wtf IS a pee bowl, anyway?).

2. Fill the glass with ice – all the way up.

3. Slosh generous amounts of Jameson over the ice.

4. Fill up with Red Bull.

5. Put orange peel on top of the ice and fill it with Cointreau.

6. Set the Cointreau on fire.

7. Watch the flame until it goes out or you get bored.

8. Tip the remaining Cointreau into the glass.

9. Drink.

Of course, you don’t have to set it on fire, but if you don’t it’s obviously just a Wire and not a Wire on Fire. Duh.